The Ghost Of Bill Hicks

Righteous howls at stupidity and mediocrity

Monday, August 02, 2004

A Call To Arms

Read the recap of today's Inside Politics with Judy "Hagface" Woodruff over at Atrios.

Now read this.

I've fucking had it with these people. That fucking bitch Woodruff needs to start being seriously challenged on this bullshit, as does every other god damn fucking shit-slurping media whore out there, but I've had it with writing letters to ombudspersons and bullshit dead-ends like that. It's time that people started coming up to these pathetic egomaniacs whenever they deign to appear in public and FUCKING CHALLENGE THEM ON THIS BULLSHIT.

Listen, I know my readership is about fucking nil right now, but if any of you two or three people who reads me lives in New York or Atlanta or anywhere there are media whores, and you see these people, go up to them and tell them what you really think about them. Don't be polite, don't worry about debating them, just tell them what they are.

Oh God, how I would love to be in an elevator with that fucking bimbo. She'd need a stay in a sanitarium after I was done venting my spleen about what a fucking whore she is.

String the pundits up by their big toes, I say.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Crime Against Humanity #5,476,851

So today I had to look up Celine Dion's discography for a friend on www.allmusic.com, and I found, to my horror, that under their new format, the French Canadian hellbeast is grouped in the Rock category.

Ponder that for a moment. Let it sink in. Celine Dion. ROCK.

It's almost too much for you to take, isn't it? My brain shut down for about fifteen minutes after reading it, during which time, according to my brother, I popped our roomate's copy of Ghost into the VCR and sat spellbound.

Seriously though, how the fuck could ANYONE group that caterwauling retard in the Rock category anywhere? She's only rock if compared to, say, the musical stylings of Orrin Hatch or John Ashcroft. Otherwise, she's the singer of the most vomit-inducing "love song" since "I Will Always Love You".

Monday, July 26, 2004

I Have So Many Names...

This is a pretty lightweight post, but I'm too consumed with worries about finding a job right now to do anything else.

What's your favorite nickname for Bush? I like Il Douche, Fearless Leader, and Captain Dipshit myself, but what's your favorite epithet for the worst president ever?

Sunday, July 25, 2004

The Last Cries Of An Endangered Species

The most offensive smear campaign in the election cycle so far has to be the constant insinuations by Republican fearmeisters that a vote for Kerry is a vote for Bin Laden. Nevermind that Dubya's response to 9-11 was to half-ass Afghanistan, and then get the country so drunk on fear and misinformation that a lot of us willingly staggered down the Arab street with Bush and helped him start beating on the guy who tried to kill his old man, which has basically turned Iraq into the world's biggest terrorist training camp, and the stage of our greatest moral failure since the American people by and large condoned Iran Contra with their silence. Nevermind the fact that by invading a sovereign nation that never attacked us, and was less of a threat than, say, North Korea, we've won thousands of new recruits for Osama Bin Laden, who, by the way, is still running free thanks to our aforementioned half-assing in Afghanistan. Never mind the fact that Abu Ghuraib would have NEVER happened had we not been pushed into a unnecessary and groundless war with little to no actual planning for the aftermath, and we might actually have some tenuous moral high ground left to convince moderate Arabs that we didn't want to wipe them all out.

Forget all that stuff, and give yourself a full frontal lobotomy, and one thing becomes perfectly clear: KERRY LUVS OBL! It's so obvious, isn't it? Clearly Kerry's decades of public service, his two tours in Vietnam, and his families deep roots in this country were all an elaborate ruse. He hates America, can't you see that? He'll take away all our guns and give them to the French! Hell, he even LOOKS FRENCH! FRENCH I TELLS YOU! FRENCHY FRENCH FRENCHERSON! Clearly, this man, with his decades of experience serving the nation in Congress, and his two tours in Vietnam is inferior to a man who has run every company he's ever worked for into the ground, whose economic plan is warmed over Reaganomics, who thinks God talks to him, and who presided over the two biggest intelligence failures in American history.

This is the kind of tortuous logic you have to accept in order to take the unending "Kerry is Bin Laden's man" bullshit even halfway seriously. Do the Republicans think this shit really works on swing voters? I know their base is a bunch of unquestioning retards, so they're probably used to putting forth the bare minimum of effort to get them fired up ("LOOK! HOMOS TRYING TO GET MARRIED!"), but do they honestly think that this kind of baseless horseshit will appeal to anyone who's still undecided at this point?

"Well, let's see: I can see now that Iraq was a mistake, and that Bush definitely lied to get us there. The 9-11 Commission pretty much showed how inattentive he was to the threat of terrorism, and he's been a disaster for the economy. I really don't want my son to have to go to Iran or somewhere like that if he gets re-elected, and everyone in his cabinet seems to be corrupt and full of shit, and this bizarre crusade against gay marriage kind of concerns me because it's really not that important of an issue to me. On the other hand, I did see a "Kerry and Bin Laden, Sitting In A Tree" bumper sticker on somebody's pickup the other day. I'm just so conflicted!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Beating the no-cable shakes

I'm thoroughly disgusted at myself for missing cable so much, so it's time for another "recommendations" post. This time, I want books of all stripes. I'll read pretty much anything but romance novels, and I'd particularly like to finally get down to reading a lot of the classics I never did in high school when I was busy being seduced by the unholy mistress Nintendo. So recommend away, and I will descend upon my local library like a fiery golden hawk....of enlightenment.

Closed Captioning For The Culturaly Impaired OR Why Don't You All Just F-F-Fade Away

Today, a friend and I were talking about the contributions our generation (I'm 24) have made to pop culture after he brought up the fact that he wanted to watch VH1's I Love The 90s. I, of course, spun into a fire and brimstone tinged rant about how stupid it was to wax nostalgic about the 90s (do we really need to reminisce about fucking 90210 already? Christ, wake me in about a decade), when he brought up a point even I had to concede: We produced Nirvana and Radiohead. Although I grow weary with the constant mythologizing of Kurt and the never-ending anniversaries and magazine covers, I do have to admit that even I'm not such a jaded music snob as to be soul-deaf to the beauty of Territorial Pissings. As for Radiohead, I've always maintained that they're the absolute best band still touring and making albums, or at least they were until the triumphant return of their sonic parents, the Pixies. So I'm willing to let The Real World and MTV in general's stinking up of the 90s slide, because Nevermind and OK Computer more than make up for House Of Style and Singled Out. However, great as those two albums are, they can't quite compensate for the fact that MTV probably would not have survived to the millennium if not for us, and I'm quite sure future generations will curse our names for it. Then again, they'll probably be too busy watching people sell their souls and dignity for the opportunity to eat horse testicles while receiving plastic surgery in order to deceive a gaggle of Playmates into believing they're Clay Aiken...Tuesdays on FOX!

Feelin' Kinda Letdown

Ok, let's treat this post like one big data dump, as I've got a lot of stuff I want to talk about, but most of it is too insubstantial to merit separate posts for every item, so I'll just lay them out like that Hollywood gossip reporter in The Onion:

ITEM: Patton Oswalt's new comedy CD,Feelin' Kinda Patton is sort of a bummer if you're a huge fan of his, and insanely hilarious if you're not. I'm of the former group, so it was just kind of "meh" for me, as he used a lot of material I've heard before on HBO and Comedy Central specials. And the biggest travesty? He didn't even rehash the Nick Nolte as Han Solo bit, which is probably one of the ten funniest things I've ever heard in my life. However, there are some good bits about Tivo, and some funny, nonsensical stuff about midgets, and I finally got to hear a bit he did about Black Angus commercials again in its uncensorsed entirety that I'd previously seen in a watered down, made for TV version when he was on Conan once. Anyway, on my patented Homeland Security Humorist Alert level, I give it a Mauve. What does that mean? I don't know.

ITEM: On the Mr. Show affiliated tip, David Cross also has a new comedy CD out entitled It's Not Funny. Actually, it's not so much new as it is over two months old, and its not so much a comedy CD as its David singing the songs of Leonard Cohen in a lilting falsetto, hence the title. No, that's also bullshit: It's very funny, though not quite as funny as his previous album, Shut Up You Fucking Baby!, which was the best comedy album since my namesake's Rant In E Minor, so cut the guy some slack. Also, David's Mr. Show Partner Bob Odenkirk posted this little gem a while back. While you're there, check out some of the other writing, you'll be glad you did. In other Mr. Show related bullshit, I saw Anchorman about a week ago and totally geeked out when I saw that Mr. Show alums Jay Johnston, Paul F. Tompkins, and Jerry Minor all had bit parts in the movie, as well as the Upright Citizen's Brigade's Ian Roberts. I haven't had a geek boner that big since I watched Wet Hot American Summer thirteen times in a row (I shit you not).

ITEM: After I see Bob Dylan in Lincoln in August and The Pixies in October, I will finally be able to die without many serious regrets.

ITEM: There's supposed to be Preacher movie in the works, and they've already fucked it up to holy hell by casting James Marsden as fucking Jesse Custer. That's right, pussy ass Cyclops from the mediocre X-Men films. Fuck, that fish-lipped halfwit Hayden Christensen would have been a better choice than the charisma deficient Marsden. All I can do is hope this movie dies a quick death in pre-production so that it can become a mini-series on HBO, which is the only form it can really faithfully be reproduced in. I try not to get too geeky about comic book adaptation, but I will not accept anything but perfection from any production of Preacher. They already broke my god damned heart with the brainless casting of a fucking Cigar Store Indian as one of the most charismatic characters in the history of comic books. What's next, Hollywood? That lump of shit Vin Diesel as Dream of the Endless?

Aaaaaand....I'm spent.

O, How The Mighty Have Fallen

The usually brilliant Billmon misses a vital criticism of Nader's campaign in this article. Most bloggers and anti-Naderites have been quick to criticize Nader relying on right wing organizations to get him on the ballot in swing states, but I think a much more powerful piece of ammunition is not just what Nader's doing now to flush away whatever little respect he might have left among the left, but the fact that since 2000, Nader has done next to nothing to achieve his stated goal of being a viable third party candidate. Now, admittedly, I voted for Nader in 2000 because I was apathetic and ignorant back then, so maybe I missed this point being made, but if Nader really cared about establishing a viable third party, don't you think he'd maybe start one and build it from the ground up instead of piggy-backing on established, albeit marginal existing third parties that he has little in common with? Possibly starting a PAC to get like-minded third party candidates elected at the local level? Nah, in order for that to happen, Ralph would actually have to give a shit about somtehing other than his own self-aggrandizement.

I fell for the "there's no difference between Gore and Bush" bullshit in 2000 because I just didn't care. Hell, back then I was even misinformed enough to believe the "Gore invented the internet" lie and that Clinton was actually some sort of crook, so I pulled the lever for Ralph in some asinine, juvenille show of rebellion against the status quo. Even though electorally it made no difference either way (I live in Nebraska, where Jesus Christ himself couldn't have won if he ran as a Dem....although I suppose Tom Osborne could have pulled it off), I've come to regret it more and more, and when I see all the bluster from Ralph now about how Republicans and Democrats are the same, I despise him all the more for bamboozling me so easily.

Also, Billmon's post title? Tres unimaginative. I understand if he's burnt out, but come on man! Ah, who am I kidding, I almost tried to work out a Nader/nadir pun for the title of this post.

Reason #431 living in Nebraska isn't THAT bad

This Village Voice piece is so sad I can barely manage my usual passionate outrage at the stupidity inherent in these people's worldviews. The next time some politeness police asshole gets on my case for calling other people's opinions stupid, I will remember this article and smile.

'Bushwacked' needs to become a synonym for brainwashed. These people are fucking scarily stupid.

Friday, July 16, 2004

The Netflix Quandry

Ezra at http://www.pandagon.net doesn't like Netflix, which gives me yet another reason to disagree with him (I won't get into some of the more substantive stuff at the moment).  Personally, Netflix is manna from heaven for me, as I hate leaving the house unless forced to by an act of God, and being that I'm an aspiring film geek ne plus ultra, Netflix's catalog is fucking fantastic.
 
Without Netflix, I never would have discovered my love for cinema nouveau, and Godard in particular.  Plus, it allows me to indulge my elitist asshole film scholar side and my "They Live is the best movie ever!" side in equal measure.  Unfortunately, I had to downgrade my membership to 5 out at a time, and I've got a backlog of Babylon 5 DVDs to get through before I can get to actual movies again, but in the meantime, I'd love some recommendations.

Once More Into The Job Market Goes I

So I'm finally settled in here in Hastings (more or less), and I found a job, but I'm insanely nervous about it.  I'm going to be a cook-trainee at a family owned restaurant here in town, and during the interview, the manager told me I'd have to taste the food I cook.  Now, I'm one of the pickiest fucking eaters on the planet, so this prospect fills me with a great deal of trepidation.  Luckily though, I'm sort of treating this thing as a temporary gig until I can find a better job, or finally get off my ass and work on some of the writing projects I've got brewing and get published.  I start Monday at 6 a.m., so I'll probably be posting obsessively for the rest of the weekend.  As much as I hate TV these days, I really do sort of miss cable.

This Machine Kills Fascists

What with the upcoming hoopla in Boston, we'll all be subjected to a lot of snark and condescension from the "real" media about how we bloggers are just a bunch of cranks with keyboards, and probably some bullshit about how the Dems are "catering to the looney left" by giving bloggers credentials.  We'll probably read article after article from pundits and "reporters" like Nedra Pickler about how silly it all is, and how blogs are just a joke.
 
They're scared shitless of us.  Deep down, each one of these pampered, lazy sacks of shit knows what a threat we are to their suckling at the corporate teat and their vise-like grip on the minds of the masses.  Every one of them, from the heads of the media conglomerates that own the papers and the cable news networks on down to the beat reporters making snarky comments about John Edwards hair or Teresa Heinz-Kerry's "ketchup fortune", knows that their days are numbered.
 
So whenever I get down about the state of our democracy, I just click over to Pandagon or Corrente or any number of other great blogs, and I realize that these people are some of the greatest patriots our country has ever seen.  Whenever I start to bemoan the whorish clowning of the Paula Zahns and Daryn Kagans of the world, I remind myself that their  irrelevancy increases exponentially each day, with every blog launched, with every post, and with every comment.
 
We're through letting talking heads dictate to us what's happening in our country, we're taking back the reins and taking control of our own destiny again.  It's a beautiful thing to behold.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Music n such: What are you listening to?

So right now I'm listening to Josef K's Young And Stupid album after being turned on to them by my ever-growing love for Franz Ferdinand and I'm digging the hell out of it. I'm also listening to some of Bowie's supposed "lesser" works, like Diamond Dogs, Pin-Ups, and Lodger, so I'm beginning to get a little art-rocked out, and I was wondering what anyone out there reading would suggest I check out. Maybe later I'll post a top ten list or something like that.

Bill O'Reilly: Humping the rotting corpse of irony

So I honestly tried to figure out which horribly out-of-touch with reality right wing lie was pissing me off more today, and the winner is.....Bill O'Reilly comparing Michael Moore to Joseph Goebbels! Yes, Cheney and Bush's half-assed attempts at resurrecting the Saddam + Osama = L-U-V lie was pretty fucking infuriating, but hardly original. O'Reilly barely edged the dynamic duo out by not only being a bigger liar, but by being completely ignorant of history and reality to boot. Plus, O'Reilly singling out anyone as a propaganda artist is sort of like Charles Manson questioning the sanity of his fellow inmates.

Bill, if you're out there, and I'm fairly sure you are, since I have you pegged as a pathetic egomaniac who probably googles his own name every half hour, listen carefully:

Michael Moore is an independent filmmaker with no real power outside of his celebrity status and money. Joseph Goebbels was one of the chief architects of the most vile regime in the history. If you can hash out the difference between the two of them, then you're not as hopelessly braindead as I thought, though somehow I'm not worried you'll surprise me there.

Inaugural post

Soooo...this is my blog. I'll be talking about politics, movies, music, and other random blatherings.

Quick info on me:

Name: Jess
Age: 24
Location: Central Nebraska
Occupation: Aspiring writer/musician


As you can probably guess from the title of the blog, I'm a huge fan of the late comedian/philosopher (in my estimation, anyway) Bill Hicks. Bill's work has made a profound impact on my life, and this blog is named in his honor. With the reign of the idiot boy king making life in these United States more surreal with every passing day, we could use Bill's wit and wisdom more than ever.